It’s October, which means we’re officially in pumpkin season, the weirdest of all manufactured seasons.
Humans are a strange animal, and Americans may be the strangest of the species. Pumpkin season is extreme American weirdness.
Over the next few weeks, pumpkins will suddenly become ubiquitous. We’ll see pumpkins as decorations everywhere—at the doorstep, at the end of the driveway, at the dining table, at the reception desk, and other places you wouldn’t normally leave food.
Pumpkin spice will invade all coffee shops. Here’s a secret: Pumpkin spice is mostly just cinnamon. But since it’s October, let’s call it “pumpkin spice.”
If October were a brand, it would have a pumpkin logo. Sometimes the o in the word October will also be replaced by the shape of a pumpkin. cute right? I don’t think so either.
I wouldn’t call myself anti-pumpkin. I don’t care that much either way. i mean they are Pumpkin, after all. It’s weird to have a strong opinion on pumpkin, which is why pumpkin season is so shocking to me.
I guess we can blame Pumpkin Frenzy on Halloween. Pumpkins are used to make jack-o’-lanterns. Carving eyes and partially toothless smiles on pumpkins is a fun activity to do with kids, and is literally the best and only use of pumpkins.
We don’t carve faces in watermelon. You know why? Because it would be a waste of watermelon. But a pumpkin? What else are you going to do with the pumpkin? I mean, we’re definitely not going Eat This. Everyone cut up a pumpkin and thought, “Well, this is gross, and smells like wet cardboard.” Are jack-o’-lanterns scary because of their appearance, or are we just reliving the trauma of removing those pumpkin guts?
Pumpkins are part of the squash family. And as any carnivore will tell you, squash are zombie vegetables. Squash looks like vegetables, but they have no flavor. Everyone knows that zucchini is just a cucumber that tastes like paper towels.
Heck, squash is the only vegetable with instructions in the name. squash, Which is what we usually do with those pumpkins on November 1.
Happy pumpkin season, everyone!
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Story Produced by Aria Chevelson. Editor: George Pozderek.